Today’s guest, Angelique Luna, started as a blogger, and transitioned into a sex educator and podcaster. She is also a certified kink therapy professional, so she helps people who have alternative sexual lives. She also helps parents talk to their kids about sex.
Angelique shares her intimate story on the podcast about how this all began, and how we can live a sex-positive life. Check out the episode below!
1) Angelique became a sex advocate due to trauma in her own family.
Angelique is a sex advocate because her daughter is a survivor of sexual assault. Through Angelique’s experience of getting help for her daughter and supporting her, she learned a lot was missing from the conversation about sex, consent, and how their children were thinking about and having sex.
In fact, this led to Angelique getting kicked out of her support group, due to her insistence that they should have an honest and frank conversation about sex. The support group was dedicated to other assault survivor parents.
That experience propelled Angelique into an advocacy role to talk more about sex and the importance of sex positivity. She discovered there are so many people who don’t know how to talk about sex, even with their partner. “Sex is pleasurable, so let’s enjoy it!” Angelique told me.
She encourages you to start exploring what is pleasurable, even with yourself.
Unfortunately, messages in the media don’t give people the same message Angelique is trying to teach. “Communication, compromise, and consent are very important,” she told me.
There are so many scenarios on TV shows and in the media where it seems like the people just fall into each other and have passionate sex without any communication. These people don’t seem to have even an inkling of what it takes for a lot of people to enjoy sex, like foreplay and negotiation.
This causes a lot of people to feel insecure about their own sexual lives, which leads to people not being adequately prepared to navigate important discussions about consent and communication surrounding sexual relationships.
When Angelique was kicked out of her support group that was helping her cope with her daughter’s trauma, she was still in a place in her life where she needed support. So she decided to find other areas where she could find a support system, and found it in an unlikely place: the adult sex industry.
“There were a lot of smart, intelligent, well-balanced people who have dealt with their traumas and were able to walk me through it,” she told me.
The goal of these sex educators is to empower people to take charge of their sex lives. They are intelligent educators that are working together and changing the dynamics on how we view sex.
Angelique learned so much from them at the beginning of her journey, and nine years later she is applying these lessons she learned with the sex advocacy she promotes today.
“I’m trying to educate people that there is more than one flavor of sex. How you communicate, how you negotiate it, and how you express it is up to you. Don’t yuck on someone else’s yum.”
The #MeToo movement is also helping bring conversations about sex to the forefront. Social media has really helped the #MeToo movement spread the idea of what is and what isn’t a healthy sexual relationship.
“Before you give consent, know your own boundaries,” Angelique advised.
Angelique says it’s really difficult to communicate what you want or don’t want if you don’t even know it yourself. So first you have to figure out what you actually like so you can communicate that, and be clear with others whom you might enter into a sexual relationship with.
2) What it means to live a sex-positive life.
“It’s being authentic to yourself. And not being judgmental to yourself and others,” Angelique said.
There are a lot of different ways to enjoy sex. Sometimes we can be critical of ourselves because what we may enjoy is different than what we know or assume our family and friends enjoy with sex.
“You have to be authentic to yourself,” she said.
Sex is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s important to understand what turns you on, and understand how you enjoy sex. What do you desire?
Angelique wants people to feel good about their selves and their sexual choices. Will it make you happy, or make you feel shameful? She wants to eliminate the shame.
It’s also important to put yourself first instead of others. This is important in all aspects of your life.
Moms especially have a hard time gaining back a sense of identity after they have children. It’s something Angelique is passionate about changing. “You first before anyone else.”
3) Sex-positive lifestyles start with teaching children about consent.
We teach people from a young age that respect for consent doesn’t really matter. For example, when relatives give hugs and kisses without permission or consent from the child, this is teaching the child that their consent doesn’t matter. If they don’t have a say, then those messages are brought into relationships when they are older.
Angelique stresses that we should start the conversation at a young age by asking our kids and others when they want to be touched when they’re with friends and family. If our kids don’t want a hug from a family member or a family friend, then we should respect that. Angelique is very cognizant of that in her own life when she meets children of friends in the community.
Another way to demystify sex as for children is to teach them accurate body part terms. “Vagina, penis, breasts! We can say these things!” Angelique said.
If other parents or teachers at school disagree with you teaching your child appropriate anatomy terms, Angelique suggests pushing back, to ask what is actually obscene about teaching proper medical terminology for those body parts.
It’s important to speak up for your children, to support them in understanding sexuality as part of the human experience. Being an advocate for them is necessary so they can learn to protect themselves from predators.
Unfortunately, most of the time, strangers are not the ones abusing children. Sexual abuse happens many times from close, trusted family, and friends.
The child might not know how to speak up when it happens because he or she doesn’t have the language or words to express what happened.
We have to stop teaching the practice of silence at a young age.
4) What can we do as adults to advocate a sex-positive life?
There are so many different resources out there that delve into sex positivity.
Of course, there’s Angelique’s awesome podcast. She says her podcast is more of an intro to the sex-positive community, whereas her website provides a list of helpful resources to explore what’s out there and how to talk about it all.
“The first step is to learn what you’re curious about. Then, go to the next step of researching, and learn how to communicate and express.”
There are a lot of workshops out there that help people learn to communicate better. And it doesn’t have to just be communication around sex. Learning how to communicate your needs better will help in all areas of your life.
It’s also important to find communities with like-minded people who care about similar things you want to explore.
How can you create a more sex-positive Valentine’s Day?
Angelique suggests couples play a trivia game, or a truth or dare game to find some out-of-the-box activities. This helps eliminate all expectations of having an over-the-top, romantic Valentine’s Day (which can honestly end in disaster).
Another fun idea is to write adult Mad Libs. Angelique suggests writing an erotic story together where you can share different sexual fantasies, and create a story together.
Angelique says that in order to talk about consent and what you like in a relationship in regards to sex, you should look at it as a type of business transaction.
Of course, that doesn’t sound very romantic, but there are negotiations and discussions that need to happen to find out what each partner likes, and what they are OK with.
5) Sex work advocacy is really important in the sex-positive movement too.
Sex workers in the United States are really trying to get the country to recognize that sex is work, and it should be paid and regulated. In the developed world, the U.S. is really far behind in establishing laws around sex work to make it safe for everyone involved.
Unfortunately, a lot of the conversation about sex work gets blurred with human trafficking. However, Angelique stresses that many sex workers who choose to be sex workers are fighting against human trafficking because that situation is forced sexual abuse.
Since there aren’t protections for sex workers who choose to make a career around that industry, they aren’t able to receive law protection the same way they might if they got abused or assaulted while on the job. It puts them in a vulnerable position where they have to work outside the law in order to do the work they want to do.
People who are considered sex workers sometimes don’t even have intercourse with their clients. Certain massage therapists, or women who are sugar babies, for example, aren’t protected, even though they aren’t actually engaging in sexual acts as part of the job or the consensual relationship.
“There’s been a demand for it since the dawn of time!”
The need for sex workers has existed forever, even in the history of America in states like Louisiana and Wyoming.
When you’re able to communicate what you want, need, and desire, you’ll attract what you want. This lesson is even more important to domestic violence survivors, sexual abuse survivors, and rape survivors. Angelique says it’s important to work on yourself, and that is the first step towards healing.
She also stresses to people who have experienced some type of sexual abuse that it’s really important to seek out a therapist, and talk through the trauma. “There’s no shame in asking for help.”
You can also work through sexual trauma by building a community where you can talk through the issues you have experienced, so you don’t feel so alone.
About Angelique Luna
Angelique Luna is a Certified Kink Aware Professional relationship & sex coach, educator, entertainer and sexual abuse advocate. Her mission is making Living A Sex Positive Life a reality for everyone. She is a wife & mother to a strong warrior who has overcome the harrowing experience of sex abuse. Angelique Luna is the host of Living A Sex Positive Life podcast with her husband John C Luna where she discusses all aspects and effects of sexual relationships. She is a graduate from the inaugural year of the Kink Aware Therapy Certification Institute.
Links from the show